(* Wooden Birds: The Other One)
(Jonathan) Hi How are you?
Thanks Yeah Sorry I'm late
Ray's friends are here He didn't tell me they were coming over
Michelle, Lisa, this is Jonathan
- Hi. Hi
- Hi, hello. Hi
Where's Ray? He's in the bathroom masturbating
What? (Ray) I'm almost done
Just three more tugs - Oh, God.
Why is he doing that?
Well, Ray and Leah are being really generous with us
and Ray is giving us his sperm so that we can have a baby
Tonight's our first exchange
But I'm not the one being generous (Michelle) I think you are
Sharing your lover's sperm with us is very kind of you
Yeah, and we really need the stuff There's no getting around it
And what my Michelle wants, she gets
Oh, yeah, Ray told me about this
Um, congratulations
As long as the kid isn't born with a beard, we'll be happy
Stop No, actually we just really love Ray's comics
and we're hoping that the baby will become an artist
And what do you do, in case we want a different kind of baby?
(Both laugh) (Ray) I heard that
Yeah! Really, what do you do?
- I'm a writer. Oh
And Ray told me you're moonlighting as a private detective
Yes Maybe you could help a friend of mine
Her son's skateboard was stolen I could definitely look into that
So far I've solved all my cases
I mean, there've only been two, but still, that's a perfect record
OK, well, her name's Allison She's a radical vegan
I know a lot of radical vegans She must be an unhappy person
(Door slides open)
(Snapping fingers)
All that jizz
Yay, Ray! But can you put that in the fridge? Cos we need to keep it chilled
No, I don't want it in the fridge The girls' lunches are in there
Leah, please All right
I'll put it in the sink with some ice
Just give it to me, Leah We'll put it in our cooler
(Both) Oh my God I'll get it I'll get it
Here it is. Here it is. Here it is Here it is
OK, good No spillage We should go
For the record, I'm against this
Leah, I'm sorry to bring this up, but could I have your friend's number,
the radical vegan?
- I really want that case. Leah
Ray, the sperm - More? Oh, this.
(Sighs) Goodbye, Picasso
(Kisses)
(* Au Revoir Simone: All Or Nothing)
(Whirring)
I never skateboarded myself My parents wouldn't let me
They were kind of overprotective and smothering
I'm a very permissive parent
I think it's really important that David have a sense of agency
Like every night for dinner, he decides what he wants to eat
He must eat a lot of pizza then - Oh, no, no.
We don't eat dairy or wheat
- David has a lot of food allergies. Oh
I don't know if Leah told you, but I advocate at the public schools
for slow food and raw food and live food
In my heart I'm a vegan, but in my mouth I lack discipline
It sounds like your heart's in the right place
- You just have to work on your mouth. Mm
So what exactly happened with David's skatebo
It's gonna stain
So what exactly happened with David's skateboard?
Well, this older boy, this alpha male bully took it
I offered to buy David a new one, but he wouldn't hear of it
He's very attached to this one
- How old is David? He's nine
And the boy who took his skateboard? - I don't know. He's, like, 16 or 17.
His name is Francisco
I can't get it back It would humiliate David
That's really very smart of you
When I was a kid I had back spasms and I went to this crazy orthopaedist
He prescribed a corset For months Do you still have back problems?
- Sometimes. It's... I can fix that
Lie on your belly
(Grunting)
- Oh. Uh! Uh!
A corset? I think that's odd
I don't know if I'd let a doctor do that to David
Yeah, it was a very Victorian cure, especially for New Jersey
But the point of my story was that (Cracking)
My mother never let anyone know
She protected me
I only wore sweatshirts
I'm glad to hear that part Roll over
OK
Oh (Cracking)
- (Grunts) How's that?
Oh, wonderful
OK, just copy me
OK
Lift your leg up
Do you really think you can get David's skateboard back?
Yes, I'll get it back and I'll find this Francisco
The other leg
I'd be really grateful
Ever since David's father and I broke up
(Sighs) I've been without a man around the house
You've got a man in the house now
(* The Real Tuesday Weld: See You In My Dreams)
Mm!
(* Big Lazy: The Mole)
I'm looking for a kid named Francisco Do you know him?
He rides around on a board that looks like this
Do you Do you know Do you know Fran
Do you know Francisco?
Excuse me
Yeah?
Do you know someone named Francisco?
Ever skateboarded with him on the streets?
Yeah, I know him Do you know where he likes to skateboard?
Don't remember
Would $5 help your memory? - No, but $10 would.
All right, tough guy (Phone)
Excuse me one second Business
Caroline Jonathan, there you are
How's it coming with the new Kama Sutra novel?
What position are you on? I'm on chapter 11
Chapter 12 Position 12
That's 52 positions to go
Listen, you keep working hard, all right?
And, you know, send me a chapter now if you like
I'll send you something soon, OK?
But I am with a friend right now, so I'll call you back Is that OK?
All right, sweetheart Don't be a stranger
You know that all of my writers are like my husbands
Right, I know OK
Bye, Caroline - Ciao, sweetie.
I think that you're not working on the book because you're depressed over losing the girl
I'm doing a little better I met someone today
Well, that's perfect Hemingway, you know, said
the best way to get over a woman was to get another one
Of course then to get over that woman you need another woman
So basically one failed relationship leads to the next?
Yes Anyway, how's the new girl? Good looking?
Yeah, pretty sexy I really like her
Nice arms?
I guess so, yeah Why?
Oh, I don't know Just lately I've been going nuts over women's arms
Actually, the armpit
I just love it. It's this other secret place to burrow into
But you don't have to slide as far down the bed to get to it
Maybe it's laziness I don't know
There's also a childhood connection
Something happened with you and an armpit in childhood?
Yes, yes I was on the school bus
I'm 11 years old
And this girl Diane Trudy was her name
I remember she was wearing a yellow dress
And when she stood up to reach for the pole,
the sunlight came through the windshield and I could see her armpit
There were these beautiful,
very slight blonde yellow hairs
just sort of undulating
I fell in love
Why do you think the hairs made you fall in love?
Because I knew it meant that she was becoming a woman
I like that story
And, God help me, it's happening again
Wait, what?
I met this young publicist the other day
and for some reason she lifted her arm,
and I could see these light blonde hairs
and it was like a moment out of Proust
I was back on the school bus
That's incredible So, twice in one life
I know Her name's Emily
She's the flack for this new hip restaurant
that's opening tomorrow out in Greenpoint, near you
- It's close by. You know what?
They're having this tasting. It starts around five o'clock
It's all organic game
rabbits that have been shot naturally in the woods, that sort of thing
Why don't you come with me? Lt'd be perfect
It's a very young crowd You could help me fit in
Hi, guys Hi
I really like your board I'm something of a collector
Is there any chance you might want to sell it?
Are you that dude that's been asking about me?
You you from the school or something?
No, I don't go to any school I haven't been asking about you, no
You sure? Cos some kids told me
that a dude with a big nose wanted to know where I hang out
But that's not you, right? A dude with a big nose is not me, my friend
No, it must be somebody else I'm just interested in your board
Would you sell it for 20 bucks?
Get out of here, man I don't know you
I don't want to know you, all right?
50 bucks? How much?
How about my fist in your face, man? How about that?
I don't think I can afford that right now
So thank you very much and, uh, keep on skatin'
All right (Kids laughing)
Ray, can you get Leah's car and meet me?
It's fun sitting here I still think it's weird to pretend that you're a private detective
It's not pretending Come on, you're always drawing superheroes
This is your chance to be one All right, what is she paying us?
Sorry, there's no money I'm doing this one pro bono
I made out with her What? Are you crazy? That girl's half nuts
I can't charge her now I'm taking her out for a drink tonight
Did you at least take her shirt off?
No, we just made out, but it was pretty amazing
We have chemistry or something, I don't know
Maybe she could be my new Suzanne It is a little scary that she has a kid,
but Leah has kids and you have been together a while
Yeah, but that is terrible Those kids pay me no respect
They call me fat and hairy
You know, they could lose a few pounds themselves
(Sighs) Kids I'm not cut out to be a surrogate dad
But you're giving your sperm to Lisa and Michelle
Because I don't have to do anything
I just signed a paper I have no rights as a father
Why are you doing it, then? - I don't know, man.
I was flattered they wanted my child
But they are draining the hell out of me They wanted four doses in the last two days
Oh, shit Did you see that?
Now, he's gonna try that again and he keeps screwing up
So this time I'm gonna run out and grab that skateboard
While I'm doing that I want you to take the car to the corner and pick me up
We'll make our getaway, OK? I don't think you should do this
Kids like that used to beat you up and I bet you they still can
There he goes. There he goes. Meet me on the corner
Fuck
Hey, dude!
Yo, hey!
Hey!
Open up. Open the door. Push the button
I'm opening it! I'm hitting the button!
Push the button, Ray Push the button Go, go
Open the door Open the door
Fuck Fuck - Oh, God.
- (Honks horn) Get back here!
(Tyres screech)
Come on, get in, get in
Go, go, go, go, go Just go
Go!
(All shouting)
I was getting worried you wouldn't show
I'm sorry Get in, get in, get in
Now what's with the skateboard? I don't want you looking that young
I had to pick this up for that woman that I met I was It's a long story
So what do you think? Is the outfit youthful?
Well, a little The beret
Yeah, you're right You're right You're right
I have never seen you so nervous about a woman before
I know It's the first unabashed crush I've had in years
She's bright, she's beautiful
The whole armpit madness
Do you have any dope? Uh, yeah
Steven, we're gonna smoke pot back here
Is that all right with you? That's fine, Mr Christopher
(* Jazz)
I'm very excited to see her
Do I smell like dope?
I can't tell I was in the car with you
My nose is full of pot smell
Are we too stoned?
My feet feel really interesting in my shoes
We might be, but we'll get you a drink and stabilise
OK, OK - Yeah, OK.
George Christopher
(*!!! : Must Be The Moon)
God, these people are young But this is exciting, right?
Brooklyn's exciting. It's the new Manhattan
I may have to move to Brooklyn
If Brooklyn is the new Manhattan, what's Manhattan?
Manhattan's the new Queens
And Queens is the new Brooklyn
And Brooklyn is Oh, here she comes.
Mr Christopher, what are you doing here?
Truth is, I saw a listing of your opening
in the food section of my own magazine and I thought I'd just pop in
Well, that's so nice of you Is your food writer here?
Yes, Jonathan here is one of our best writers
and he's going to cover the opening and give it a big spread
- (Laughs) Whoa Gee
Thank you
Sorry, I'm a big hugger, Mr Christopher I do it when I get nervous
Hugs are good No, hugs are good I'd better go see how Chef's doing
She's prepared an incredible slow roasted Polder Side Farms organic pig
that will be served in a gribiche sauce
and garnished with wild pheasant egg yolk and Seckel pears
God, that sounds amazing
I have a really profound hunger
OK, Mr Christopher See you
Well, I think that went well enough
(Laughs) I don't think she could tell we were stoned
Calling me "Mr Christopher" is not that promising,
but the hug, the hug was a good sign, right?
I mean, women don't touch you if they don't like you
No, no, she seemed great Um
Maybe Emily would show us the kitchen
It wouldn't be a bad idea for us to know where the fire exits are, right?
(Applause) Oh, here comes the pig
(Cheering)
I'm going to kill you
Uh, when I was 13 years old
I first had foie gras
and it absolutely transported me to another dimension
Shh (Chef laughs nervously)
And since then it has been my dream
to make food that would change your lives
So
(Crowd exclaims)
That's cos of you, big nose
(Sobbing)
To the chef
(* La Strada: Love You All Along)
(Sighs)
George, George, George
George, I'm so sorry I'm really so sorry
What exactly happened back there? I mean, who were those kids?
Well, they're just some kids from my neighbourhood
And it's kind of a long story,
but in a nutshell, they don't like me and they pick on me
You're 30 years old, Jonathan
I know Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?
I'm so sorry that Emily is upset I'm dropping the whole Emily thing
I can't date a woman 30 years younger than myself
What the hell was I thinking? 20 years is a good cut off
I think that's more reasonable Very reasonable
Or 25 That's not bad either 25 also good, George
- Get in. OK
Steven, could you drop me off somewhere?
(* Dawn Landes: Toy Piano)
(Doorbell)
Jonathan I got David's skateboard back
And we're going for a drink, right?
No, no, I can't I'm sorry
David is having terrible allergies
He ate some gluten in school today
and his wrists are definitely a little bit swollen
And I think I should tell you that
David is not comfortable with me dating anyone just yet
And we're a team We're a beautiful unit
I don't want to upset him
But thank you for this. I hope it wasn't too hard David will be thrilled
You're welcome
I really have to put some ice on his wrists
Maybe in a few weeks
I'll call you
(Skateboards approaching)
(Francisco) Hey! Hey, big nose!